At last, it is done

Stumme skrig, tørre tårer

Silent screams, dry tears

120x96cm

Randers, 2018

Detail picture

I feel very relieved that this one is done. It's one I will show to very few people. The text on it, is poetry I wrote (in danish) and it's not something I am all that comfortable with just anyone reading. At least not until I can say it is firmly in the past. I'm not sure I like it much (ok, I don't like it much!) but it is one of the less beautiful things that also need to be heard.

It tells of how I felt, after I had some (very) teary breakdowns at school and some teachers and the Head rallied around and said they'd get me help, which essentially consisted of being put on the waiting list to see a psychologist (I will be very lucky to have that happen before I am finished the course). Not saying they weren't sweet and sympathetic; I did get to chat with one of the lecturers who taught us psychology a few times, but then after that, there was just nothing, and what I felt was an avoidance - a smile and hello in the corridor, but not asking how I was doing or anything. I think I might have freaked them out a bit! So the poetry is about feeling rather left in the lurch.

I am onto the next work, in the Deeper and Deeper series, which is being worked on while I watch either hypnosis lectures or Morse/Lewis reruns on YouTube. I'll put up a picture of it, in the next post. AND I am getting studying done as well! (with help from a great "stop-procrastinating" hypnosis track I bought online.) Things are ok for now.

Finishing line in sight

I've solved the problem of this being way too floppy to hang - added an extra backing, with stiff interfacing ironed to it. A decision I regretted instantly once I decided to add some hand quilting! It completely changes the hand of the fabric, making it stiff and horrible to quilt. Still, the quilting process is finite, and then it will hang properly!

A few evenings more and it will be done.

My college room has a beautiful picture window, with a view second to none. I'm not exaggerating, when I say it delights me every single day. Whatever my mood, nature speaks to me, and it's directly outside! 

Here are a few seasonal pictures:

January 2018

January 2018 at night

March 2018

April 2018. 
See the wild hares in the bottom right of the picture? I woke up one morning, to them doing what bunnies do best...

May 2018

So soothing and rejuvenating to the soul. Things are actually looking up. I hit a very low point of despair some 10 days back, just after I'd been to the audiologist and was given the news that I have hearing loss. A blow to the gut. I am 56 years old.

I have to go back in a year, to see "which way it is going" - (very euphemistic - it can get better??) I suppose it could stay the same.  He called it 'modest' - what is modest even, to someone who works with people who need hearing aids? He said, at this level, I'd typically be having difficulty in gatherings. And yes, it is in classes...

At the same time, the fog in my head, was causing me to fall behind. I'd have notes, I had no memory of having been through. I felt stuck, I had nowhere to turn, no-one to speak to. After a lot of crying, I decided to take matters into my own hands, and decreased the medication, to where it was before. And the fog cleared!

And I feel so much better. Maybe some depression will return, but I'll deal with that, if it comes.

New work

Here it is May already, and much longer since the last post, than I had wanted. Never mind, only looking forward.

The work I've been showing in progress, is nearing the finishing line, and it will be satisfying to complete, mostly because I'm sick of it. It's very, very soft and floppy, and I worry that it won't hang flush with the wall. I'm thinking and thinking about how to stiffen it, given that the quilting is already virtually completed. I'll work it out and then put it up here.

Meanwhile, I started AND completed the next. Something of a wonder for me! I'm planning a series, so this is number 1.

Deeper and deeper 1

59x63cm

Fabric and beads

Detail picture

And yes, I've discovered the wondrous world of hypnotherapy. I don't think I've ever been so relaxed before, while awake. 

And it is very necessary right now, as my mood downturn has deepened. I'm actually really battling. Artwork is only being made, because without it, I would fall apart. Artwork is being made, during time I probably should be studying, and at the cost of how well I will do in exams. A deliberate decision. I have some leeway, as I did well in the last exam, so I have a better idea of how much is expected.

I'm having some trouble working out if this is another mood episode, or a (hopefully temporary) response to the stress of the studies. Maybe it's both. Medication is up, which is giving horrible side-effects of a foggy head and dizziness, neither of which are conducive to learning. My concentration has become so terrible that it drifts off continuously, and I'm not catching or understanding much of what happens in class. I cry at the drop of a hat and feel clumsy and useless at the practical aspect. 

I've wondered if I am trying to do something which doesn't play to my strengths, once again. If I should carry on with it. Not sure what will happen, or how to tackle it, but I have made contact with a psychologist, so here's hoping I can figure out a way through, with help.

Weekends are little oases, with the life-giving waters and nourishment of creating. While there's freedom to create, there is hope.
________

(Oh, and I did get my purse back - with everything in it. )