In June 2018, I had a spiritual awakening, of sorts.
I say “of sorts” because it was not a dramatic, new revelation, with a surge of the ecstasy one usually associates with this sort of experience. Rather, it was a quiet, yet very powerful, clarity – a recognition of, and reunion with, something once very familiar. The descriptions I found online of signs of ‘soul loss’ were very apt, although I was not familiar with the paradigm. The words ‘soul retrieval’ popped into my mind (I had to google that too) – this had brought a piece of me back, during a state of deep hypnotic trance. It was the part of myself that held my connection to spirit, to the transcendent. It wasn’t an instant flash of knowledge, my understanding developed quietly over a couple of days after, as I was paying attention to what arose. I experienced it as a healing, a sense of wholeness, of solid ground, of not-aloneness. The homecoming of what was, I slowly realised, a core piece of self.
I don’t know how this part was lost, all that time ago. I surmise it happened sometime during a long post-natal depression, after the birth of my second child, who is now 25 years old. I cherish the child, a precious gift, as was my first, but my life was not the same, afterwards. Depression is very erosive.
I had not gone looking for this lost part. I missed it on the odd occasion, a little envious of those who had it; it looked nice not to feel alone. I told myself it was a mass delusion, anyway. I had more immediate, long-standing but now pressing issues that were making life difficult, for which I was seeking help.
Some friends recommended I try hypnosis. I’d only heard of stage hypnosis (and ain’t nobody was going to get inside my mind…. ah, how the mighty have fallen) and I didn’t know there was such a thing as hypnotherapy, but it sounded good and I was desperate. I had a single, wonderful session, but it was too expensive to continue. However, I practically floated home afterwards, feeling absolutely fantastic. I was hooked, right there and then. (I’m told, you can become addicted to heroin on the first try, but why bother with drugs when there’s this powerful, totally safe, natural, even beneficial, way to feel this wonderful??)
I looked online for more and YouTube delivered. And delivered. I discovered you can do this on your own, just listening to a recording. That was in February, haven’t missed a single day since. Hypnojunkie, that’s me.
To cut a very, very long story short, I discovered a particular hypnotherapist, who had her own, unique and different (to what seems to be standard – I know next to nothing about this) method of doing hypnotherapy in deep trance states. I watched several videos of her working, and I intuitively knew this was IT. It wasn’t a case of “here’s something that might work”; I knew it would be transformative, before I had even experienced it. I’m not sure my intuition has ever been this strong before – or perhaps I hadn’t paid attention, or been this ready before. ‘When the student is ready, the teacher will appear’? I received marching orders, and thankfully, this time I listened.
To cut an even longer story short, I got myself from Denmark to England, where she was. She’d consented to seeing me, even though she was on a European teaching tour. By that stage, I was a bit of a mess and couldn’t even sort out the tangle of issues I had, to articulate them. I basically handed myself over, to whatever was going to happen.
It was, to say the least, an intense and beyond incredible session, steered by my own ‘superconscious’ mind, accessible in deep trance and facilitated, not led, by her. She did not actually know what the issues were that we were dealing with, and with her method she didn’t need to.
Regaining my connection to spirit and my spiritual intuition was not what I went there for or had on my mind, nor was it specifically her intention. It came from my own ‘superconscious’ mind (by another name, ‘higher self’) who knew what I didn’t know consciously; that this was what I needed, at this time. This is what it brought up to be reintegrated and somehow, thankfully, at this time, I was ready and receptive. (There was much more, relating to the issues I’d sought her out for, but I’m focusing on this part, here.)
Over the days that followed, I found myself drawn to the things I found meaningful back then, paying attention to and following this intuition. I felt a contemplative humbleness, a sense of being led, a sense that everything was in good hands and was unfolding as it should. It gradually became clear to me, what it was I had regained and it was an emotional and very joyful reunion. (Amusingly, I was attracted to a dress, just like I used to wear then and bought it for her. I’m wearing her old jewellery; it’s quite funny, but it feels good.)
I’d pragmatically accepted a string of limitations and fixed beliefs about what was possible and impossible in my life; and like dominoes, once the first toppled, the rest followed. Rigid beliefs have a way of doing that; it’s wise not to cling too tightly. I’m not sure I know anything for certain anymore, but it’s all taken care of and I’m not fearful about following along. I have very little intellectual or conscious understanding, not even any memory, of what happened, or how. I was in deep trance in my own mind and all this came from within. Not knowing would have bothered me terribly before, but there is a ‘rightness’ to it, that is good enough for me (not that my curiosity isn’t piqued and I’m not reading everything I can find!) Although I hesitate to get superlative, preferring to understate and not make a fuss of such a deep, quietly joyful, personal event; I’d go so far as to call the experience profound. I’m excited to see how other areas of my life will be different, after this change.
So here I am, a month later, having started this new blog (I’ve blogged elsewhere since 2005) to make a spiritual practice of my beloved art-making, to surrender to and remain receptive to my spiritual intuition. I’m continually been shown new things and I am paying attention like never before, to what is communicated to me. I won’t lose this returned part of me again.
I’d love to make contact with others on the same journey, by whichever paradigm you understand it. Please feel free to make comments and leave your links if you’re documenting, so we can travel together.
