If I absolutely have to put a name to this state:

I'm either rapid-cycling or mixed, I think. It feels like what is happening now, careering around the mood spectrum. Not extremely, and not so the general public would notice. (So fear not, neurotypicals, she's not about to freak out and scare you!) It isn't important what you call it - which is only really relevant for medication - but it does help me understand what is going on, and helps me know, not to take it too much to heart. It is what it is and this is how it is, now.

What has happened is that I took my mood stabilizer dose down, a while back, because I was in such a dumbed-down brain fog, that nothing in class was penetrating my understanding. I had to do that, to continue my course. But logically, it isn't stabilising quite so well now. It's the dose I used to be on and which worked great before, but now there is stress added on top, and it isn't quite enough. Yet, I can't see what else I can do. Since Wellbutrin isn't used for depression here, my doc doesn't know how to dose it for depression. His locum put it up to the higher dose, and it suits me this way. Since I am in another part of the country, I can't expect my poor doc to treat me over the phone. So I just took the lamotrigine down myself.

So am I caught between a rock and a hard place? Actually, I don't think so. I quite like it here. I'm on the sad side, and highly emotional - all over the place - but this is when I am at my most creative. I feel my emotions so much more deeply. As hard as it can be, how wonderful is this? I've been in this position before, and if I can walk this little tightrope and not fall off, I'll just stick with it. My head is brimming with ideas! Being on the down side, the ideas are a lot of the things I wanted to express while depressed, but was too depressed to make at the time. I have compiled a playlist of sad, evocative songs on YouTube, which I play often, which heightens the emotions, heightening the creativity. Add the daily hypnotic trances to this mix, and yup, I'm on my own "druggy trip" on my very own brain chemicals, while still taking the ones I take to balance those chemicals! Summer holiday is 3 days away; woohoo... you can see where I am going to go with this (possibly a little recklessly, but not toooo much).

Now I have that problem of my medium being too slow for when my mind is moving fast, as far as ideas are concerned. I MUST at some stage, find a faster medium, that I can toss ideas at, and capture as they arise. I could then translate them into slower-to-make textile works once I slow down again.

Meanwhile I can start embroidering the text for the next, after the next, in between the one after that, (a text from an old song by a Danish singer called Christian) on this lovely, mottley, yellowy-beige, Bali fabric background.

... to the backdrop of this beautiful sight and sound: